Despite persisting flippant attitudes towards the practice, data from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention indicates that masturbation still ranks as the 5th leading cause of death in the US.
Studies compiled by the CDC from 2016 NCHS data indicate that “stroke”, a common name for masturbating, still claims the lives of nearly 150,000 Americans annually. While heart disease still claims nearly 5 times the toll, the data suggests that masturbation is still the hazard to human health it was considered to be in the 1950s.
“Deaths per 100,000 did drop significantly between the ’50s and today, maybe as much as 70% depending on which data to which you refer,” reported Clayton Beacon, a Christian Science professor at Culvert Community College. “The data indicates that widespread messaging campaigns made their mark, and obviously far fewer people are ‘stroking’ now than maybe ever before.”
“But, as always, there’s still room for improvement.”
Beacon blames social attitudes for the continuing prevalence of stroke-related deaths.
“People talk about it like it’s nothing, like it’s so cool. Pornography is rampant. I’ve heard doctors say there’s no danger, even though the data can’t be any more clear. But who can you trust? People still smoke because they think its cool, they eat gravy like it’s gravy, you know? I’ve seen people put jars in their butts on the internet for a few people to click ‘like’ for them. Instant gratification, maybe? The desire to be liked by their peers? I’d hate to pontificate on what other agendas may be at work.”
While nearly 40 out of every 100,000 Americans will die from stroke-related causes in 2018, Beacon contends that many of those can be prevented.
“There are plenty of great information resources right in your own neighborhood,” Beacon indicated. “Church groups and community outreaches, people you’ll find here are glad to warn you against the dangers of stroking. With the right messaging, maybe we can reach the others who are still engaged in this disgusting practice.”
LETTER TO THE EDITOR
To whom it may concern:
How dare anyone question my morals and values?
They’ve never changed.
When I said that executive orders were an abuse of power, I meant I opposed a Democrat doing it.
When I said that I opposed a president golfing regularly, I meant I opposed a Democrat doing it.
And when I said that I opposed gun control measures, I couldn’t possibly have been more clear: I obviously meant that I did not want Democrats enforcing them.
Please, remind me of a time, just one, when I said that I did not support Republican gun control efforts, unquestioningly?
Come on! Trump’s ideas are obviously real progress that we can all get behind, right? I mean, it’s totally common sense, and that’s what I’ve supported all along, isn’t it? Common sense Republican policies, that’s me all the way!
I never said that we needed to protect ourselves from governments both foreign and domestic, did I?
I never repeated “shall not be infringed” over and over again in a social media thread, did I?
I didn’t call everyone who opposed my ideologies “gun-grabbing Commie pussies”, did I?
Oh, I did?
Well, even if I said something once or twice, what I meant is that I don’t trust Democrats in power. Come on, I thought that was obvious.
Look, I really don’t care what happens, so long as my party, the party I vote for without question, is pulling the strings.
So long as the president is a Republican, it’s fine. It all makes perfect sense now. I get it.
I’ve always supported Republican gun-grabbing measures.
And now that a Republican is stepping up to the plate, I just want to be clear: OMFG wow! I LOVE gun control now!
A team of well-paid scientists working for Post Consumer Brands has released a study that states that they have found a direct link between Post Fruity Pebbles cereal and the eradication of several types of cancer cells.
According to the report, a treatment regiment that includes a daily breakfast of toast, juice, milk and delicious Post Fruity Pebbles, in conjunction with regularly scheduled visits to a clinic which provides chemotherapy or similar cancer-deterring treatments, was found to stop the growth of many types of cancer cells and in many cases to eradicate the cancerous cells, leading to remission and, in some cases, full recovery.
“If you’re looking to live a full and healthy life, and not be some loser with cancer, this definitely, uh, seems like the way to go,” said Howard Brinker, a spokesman who presented the study before a team of scientists before last week’s World Science Summit in Belgium.
American chemist Rocco Whetsel, who was met with uproarious applause a day earlier with his proposal to reduce long-term costs in aid to underdeveloped nations while eliminating asbestos abroad, presented the biggest challenge to Brinker’s claim, asking if other foods had been tested to provide credence to the claim that Post Fruity Pebbles was specifically responsible for the cancer findings.
Brinker took the question in stride, offering to “conduct similar experiments for other companies for a nominal fee after our work with Post has completed.”
“I feel like we were more in agreement after that,” Whetsel told Trigger Alert. “I mean, the study’s been done, the data is there and I have no reason to doubt the claims. And he offered to back it up. You wouldn’t do that if you were lying.”
“A near consensus of us here in the science community are ready to side with this report, pending funding,” Whetsel stated.
Looking to cash-in on current events, representatives from several “major” adult film companies are racing to get a Fidel Castro porn film to market. Castro, the Cuban dictator who ceded power in 2006 and passed away last week, is slated to be the subject of numerous porn biopics.
Steven Hirsch of Vivid Video confirmed that his company is working on multiple Castro films.
“We’re going all out,” reports Hirsch. “We’re bringing in Angelina Valentine and Lela Star and a few others stars to work on multiple scripts dealing with different periods of Castro’s life. Cuban Prison Heat is kind of a prequel to the prequel to Guantanamo Gays, and it will deal with Castro’s years in prison before he led the coup, while Fidel’s Horny Ass Sluts will deal with the period in the late 1980s and early 1990s when Castro had to contend with losing Russian support”.
Patrick Collins of Elegant Angel confirmed that his company plans to include Castro as a character in some major motion picture spinoffs.
“Captain Cuba: Uncivil Whore and Mad Fidel: Fury Hole are both go projects. We’re even going to give a Castro character a cameo in Kung Poo Panda 4.”
“The Panda cameo is a bit of a stretch, but we have to strike while the iron’s hot, even if it means we have to go out on a limb and do something silly in just this one case.”
Asked who he had penciled in to appear as the deposed dictator onscreen, Collins confirmed that he had numerous stars lined up. “We’ve got Peter North with a glued-on beard, Mandingo with a glued-on beard, Rob Rotten with a glued-on beard, we have a few others working for the cameras as we speak. Time is of the essence, so we even brought in some of the top stunt cocks with glued-on beards available.”
“Unfortunately, due to financial constraints, the stunt-cocks will be wearing glued-on felt beards, as opposed to the really nice carpet ones our stars will be wearing.”
Mike from Mike’s Apartment is more concerned with historical accuracy than star quality.
“I’m thinking so long as I hire some of those chicks from 8th Street Latinas, have some communist propaganda hanging over the bed, and fuck a lot of people while I wear a glued-on beard, that’s something the Cuban and other Latin audiences will appreciate because of the honesty and accuracy.”
“You have to identify your audience and give them what they want,” Mike said. “Everyone else is going to be days in production. Me? I’m going to have 8 videos up by Thursday. Maybe ten if I can find some fresh oysters.”
“Putting anything with Fidel’s image on the free market is really sticking it to him,” Hirsch said. “Not quite like he gets stuck in that Guantanamo Gays prequel, but it’s still, you know … sticking it to him.”