Post® scientists find link between Fruity Pebbles, eradication of cancer cells

A team of well-paid scientists working for Post Consumer Brands has released a study that states that they have found a direct link between Post Fruity Pebbles cereal and the eradication of several types of cancer cells.
According to the report, a treatment regiment that includes a daily breakfast of toast, juice, milk and delicious Post Fruity Pebbles, in conjunction with regularly scheduled visits to a clinic which provides chemotherapy or similar cancer-deterring treatments, was found to stop the growth of many types of cancer cells and in many cases to eradicate the cancerous cells, leading to remission and, in some cases, full recovery.
“If you’re looking to live a full and healthy life, and not be some loser with cancer, this definitely, uh, seems like the way to go,” said Howard Brinker, a spokesman who presented the study before a team of scientists before last week’s World Science Summit in Belgium.
American chemist Rocco Whetsel, who was met with uproarious applause a day earlier with his proposal to reduce long-term costs in aid to underdeveloped nations while eliminating asbestos abroad, presented the biggest challenge to Brinker’s claim, asking if other foods had been tested to provide credence to the claim that Post Fruity Pebbles was specifically responsible for the cancer findings.
Brinker took the question in stride, offering to “conduct similar experiments for other companies for a nominal fee after our work with Post has completed.”
“I feel like we were more in agreement after that,” Whetsel told Trigger Alert. “I mean, the study’s been done, the data is there and I have no reason to doubt the claims. And he offered to back it up. You wouldn’t do that if you were lying.”
“A near consensus of us here in the science community are ready to side with this report, pending funding,” Whetsel stated.


Protesters to Burn More Trash in Streets to Protest US Withdrawal From Paris Climate Agreement

Angry protesters in Seattle and Portland have announced plans to protest President Trump’s withdrawal from the Paris Climate Agreement.
The president announced on Thursday that the US was withdrawing from the agreement, a multinational accord designed to combat global warming.
Organizers have decided that protests — which routinely devolve into street fires, property destruction, and other chaos — are the best way to let the President know how they feel about a cleaner planet and sustainable energy sources.
“I really feel that a pile of burning underwear and garbage in the middle of Portland is the best way to let this idiot president know how committed we are to a cleaner planet,” said Liz Stockman, a protester who buses in from northern California to join the regularly scheduled protests.
“It’s disgusting the way they let factories just pump pollutants into the air so they can have whatever they want,” Stockman said.
Seattle mayor Ed Murray says he plans to attend the protests in Seattle.
“I have lots of paperwork to burn,” said Murray. “Not to mention, the imminent destruction of everything our city’s businesses and residents hold dear is a perfectly viable alternative to whatever this president is doing. His policies are dangerous.”
Neither city has immediate plans to dispatch police to either protest.
“It’s best to just let nature take its course,” Murray said.