Port Orchard Communist Sets Up Pro-Communist T-Shirt Shop On Internet

If you’re looking for pro-communism t-shirts, Darron Blinski has an answer for you.
Blinski, a 24 year old “proud self-proclaimed communist” from Port Orchard, Washington, started his own t-shirt shop, Smashcaps, on Spreadshirt in January, and the page took off almost immediately.
“I’ve sold almost 4500 shirts to date,” Blinski boasts. And boast he should; within the design-your-own shirt online niche, most sellers are lucky to sell more than a handful of designs annually.
Blinski, adorned in a yellow Che Guevara tee shirt emblazoned with the moniker They’re Our Dollars, explains he happened upon the idea while searching the internet for communist tees for himself.
“I was just sitting there impatiently Googling on my tablet for communist tees, but I wasn’t seeing anything really revolutionary. There’s only so many beige Che shirts a man can scroll past. So I thought, what if they had blue, or red or yellow? What if I added clever text that really drives the point home that we wear Che because we are firmly opposed to capitalism? So, I went to work.”
Blinski reports that his site really took off when he posted a “Capitalism Sucks” design which included a funny cartoon of Donald Trump that he found on the internet and altered slightly.
“It’s a riot!” Blinski said of the shirt. “I’ve sold about 700 of that design so far; I’m thinking if I alter it a little, I can sell more. I get a few repeat customers already and I expect to see even more.”
The reported sales should generate almost $20,000 gross for the ex-barista.
“Twenty grand is some real money,” a wide eyed Blinski stated. “It became obvious that I needed to quit my job at the coffee shop where they were enslaving me for petty wages and focus my attentions here.”
“It’s not as easy as people think. I have to do a lot of Googling and altering images in MSPaint. There were set-up costs for Smashcaps that I used a credit card to pay for. My dad asked me what the hell that was about, he had approved me to buy shirts with his card like usual but he hadn’t approved the set-up costs. I really had to put my neck on the line there.”
Asked how he planned to handle his increase in income, Blinski said, “I need a car. I’m a human being and I need my space sometimes, a man deserves something he can call his own. And I am honestly tired of having to commute with a bunch of unwashed people to Smash Capitalism protests.”
“I’ve been eyeing a sleek new Subaru Forester and that’s right around $23,000, so I’m almost there.”
Informed that he would be required to fill out a 1099 form and pay taxes on sales as high as he has achieved, pushing his ownership goal back a little, Blinski rolled his eyes.
“That sounds about right. The man is always trying to fuck us!

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Facebook activist combats racism by telling everyone what pieces of crap white people are

Sick of racial attitudes in America, Facebook activist Tanner Nichols has now reposted over 100 articles and links on the social network to let all of his friends know what absolute pieces of crap white people are.
Nichols, a 25 year old Caucasian barista from Port Orchard, Washington, first became aware of black people in 2012, and recently became concerned about them again.
“Black people in America have a very distinct history. They’re a beautiful people who should be revered and fawned over like kittens,” said Nichols. “It’s disgusting how the filthy white racists have chosen a path of microaggressions and total intolerance. White people are the most disgusting group in the world, wallowing in their own ignorance.”
“Racism is a distinctly white problem as it relates to force upon others,” Nichols continued. “It’s an attitude of hatred held by white people towards people with superior skin pigmentation, and no amount of shaming and humiliation tactics will change this iron-clad fact.”
Tanner, whose parents Phil and Margery own a popular lampshade gallery in Seattle, has formed a small collective of like-minded friends to discuss race issues.
“It’s great. I made a Facebook group that encourages speaking out against white people and white attitudes. We have members from Washington, Oregon, Colorado, Maine, and Vermont so far, all ready to embrace the beauty of black and other ethnic cultures and to tell the white man that his mind must change or his time on planet Earth must end.”
Nichols has been moderating the group since July 2016, and is now shifting his focus towards organizational efforts.
“So far, we mostly chat on Facebook, although I have been trying to get some of the group together at a local Starbucks. I think that would be a beautiful thing, to have group meetings where we could sip Pike’s Place without cream and brainstorm ways to let other white people know that, as a race, they’re destroying civilization with their egocentrism. To think that you should squander a moment caring about your own privileged is selfish.”
Nichols’ group, which he has sourced by adding friends he finds in Occupy Democrats and Salon comment threads, has surpassed 80 members, which Nichols sees as a success.
“Right now, we’re just 84 men and women with sweater vests, facial hair, and an idea, but every idea has to start somewhere. We have room to grow, and we simply must. That is why my group moderation model is one that embraces diversity. Diversity in ideas is important so long as it those ideas are the consensus. In fact, we had a beautiful individual of African heritage in the group for a few days just a couple of weeks ago. We were all pretty proud of that. Everyone told him in every way imaginable how much we loved him and how much we identified with his plight. We apologized for other white people and we apologized for our  own privilege. I even sent him $280 on Paypal just as a token of good faith, a few others gave too, although he deserves so much more in terms of reparations. I think his social account got deleted, though, because I can’t track him down. It’s probably the work of some sick white racist asshole trying to hold that poor soul down, and it has to stop!”
“I’m just trying to create some kind of sanctuary, you know? Some little space where its safe for people of color to come and congregate and see that there are a few rare decent white people like myself, a place where they can feel safe to speak with us, vote with us, ask us questions, condemn our skin and the inherent privilege that comes with it, or maybe even vote in accord with us.”
Nichols admits that it’s difficult for one person to reverse an attitude that he sees as universal, but it’s a weight he’s been willing to carry for now.
“Of course, it’s a huge task, letting white people know that everything they’ve been, everything they are, everything they stand for and represent is so awful and intolerable. And that’s a hard reality for many of them to face. They seem reticent to embrace the idea that they are the root cause of every problem in the world. This wickedness is born into them, and it will take a lot to change the institutionalized attitudes and to reverse years of brainwashing they’ve received about particular groups. But I signed up for this, this is a task I am up for.”
Asked how many minds he needs to mend, Nichols answered without hesitation.
“Conservatively? I’d say it’s 99% or more. Almost every single one of them.
“Except for me and my friends. We’re the only ones who aren’t racist. Our attitude is perfect.”

White privilege employed to obtain second chance on high-five

After missing on an easy face-to-face high-five, Roger Johnson and Cliff Taylor employed heavy doses of white privilege to obtain a second chance at the gesture of camaraderie.
The two Caucasian men wasted no time pulling their hands back and going for a second high-five attempt, and even a third after an awkward forearm exchange on the second try.
“It was really great that Roger just pulled his hand right back and gave me a second chance,” said Cliff, a pasty man who admits his awkwardness. “There’s nothing worse than missing the opportunity to engage in this very masculine activity, and honestly, my testosterone can use the occasional boost.”
The brothers,” explained Roger, while making quote marks in the air with his fingers. “They’ll just leave you hanging. You miss that high five, you do not put your hand back up for another one. They’ll look at you like you’re some kind of asshole, maybe even say “get that shit out of here” or something of that nature.”
“It’s normal to want to engage in body-slapping rituals to improve self-esteem.” Caucasian psychologist Jennifer Sheets reports.  “Also, it’s perfectly normal, as white people, to assume a lack of rhythm and coordination among other light-skinned people.”
“No one talks about (second-chance white privilege),” explained Sheets. “It’s just something we do, not just for ourselves, but for one another.”

In Focus: Local man hopes to become first member of his Juggalo Family to attend college

Brady “Fareezy” Farnham has big plans.
The 19 year old, a senior at Royal Oak High School, isn’t doing anything you wouldn’t expect from a high school senior with career goals. He’s reading pamphlets and scouring the world-wide web looking for the right college.
Except Farnham isn’t just any high school kid with big dreams. When he steps foot into his first lecture hall next fall, he’ll become the first member of his Juggalo Family to ever attend college.
It’s a big achievement, considering the size and reach of the nationally-known Family, but Farhnam is approaching the task with fervor. He agreed to meet with Trigger Alert’s D.R. Everend to share his experience. Everend assisted Farnham in his web search for science-friendly community colleges within walking distance of Farnham’s house.
While Farnham’s interests in higher education and career focus seem a bit scattered, ranging from botany to pharmaceutics technician, he seems open to an array of possibilities.
“Look at this,” Farnham said excitedly excitedly at one point, tapping the screen of his laptop. “This shit’s tight, yo. These muhfuggs got some chemical engineering up in they shit. Fam could use some chemical engineering and shit, yo.”
“Yeah, we don’t need to bust no more tubs up in here,” called his friend Charles “Chuckles” Morton, who shares a sleeping quarter with Farnham.
Farnham flashed his hands while shouting “Plow plow!” and the two young men shared a laugh.
Morton, 22, who moved into Farnham’s mother’s house after a dispute with his mother, is one of many Juggalos who have Farnham’s back in this quest.
“That’s my boy! Fareezy gonna get us paid, yo,” Morton stated from behind a glaze of white and orange facepaint.
Farnham on the other hand, is less worried about the money as he is his Juggalo kindred.
“Shit’s been whack, yo,” Farnham said solemnly, making a fist and bowing his head. “Fam’s been dropping like flies, there’s lots of bad shit going around when we gather the fam together.”
“I got to stop this madness, end all this badness, because when all the family’s gone all I’ll have is sadness. I can’t have this,” the young man said, and dabbed a tear from the corner of his eye, leaving a patch of flesh exposed from beneath his greasepaint.
The theme of drug addiction and the resurgence of heroin within communities like the Juggalo Family has been uncomfortably real to young men like Farnham, who has watched several members of his Juggalo Family succumb to overdoses. The issue got a spotlight during the 2016 Presidential Debates, with notable an diverse propositions from candidates like Rand Paul, Chris Christie, Gary Johnson, and Bernie Sanders. Farnham determined that the Juggalo Family has been particularly hard hit because there is no abundance of educated brothers or sisters who could offer advice or draw up community solutions until Farnham came up with his “clean up the supply” idea.
“Fareezy say he gonna save the whole family,” Morton observed. “It’s wild, yo. No one ever thought that if we had just one educated Juggalo, we could save all these Juggahoes. Reezy’s a genius to come up with this shit. I mean, he working at it now, he reading every night and shit. He the first Juggalo I ever seen who read something without titties in it.”
Asked if speaking to the rest of the Family about higher education or reduction of drug use as a means of reducing overdose deaths was a realistic option, Farnham pulled a contemplative look over his face and folded his hands across his chest. Closing his eyes, he drew in a deep breath and sighed, “I don’t tell you how to live, nigga.”
At press time, Farnham was scouring the web looking for a safe way for he and his Juggalo Family to snort Comet Cleaner.
“If I’m going to be the smartest Juggalo in the Family, there’s no better time to start putting it to use than now.”

Beautiful women wonder why you haven’t given them a call

According to a series of informative late-night television advertisements, Tori, Lisa, and Mai (last names withheld) don’t know why you’re just sitting there alone, and wonder why you haven’t given them a call.
As stated in the advertisements, which air on a number of networks between 2am-6am, Tori, Lisa, and Mai have each taken on a level of concern about your personal life and apparent symptoms of detachment and rejection. The goal of their respective programs is to offer you the opportunity to “stop just sitting there and thinking about it”, and pick up the phone and talk to a real woman “about anything that’s on your mind right now”. The ads imply a level of psychological help and, in some cases, apparent frank discussion of deeply buried personal details, of which you’re certain to have many to divulge.
At $2.95 for the first minute and 99 cents for each additional minute, the offer of psychological help comes at at a deeply discounted rate over conventional in-office visits, although representatives at both Aetna and Blue Cross-Blue Shield declined to return calls concerning whether these services are covered under the Affordable Care Act.
Also admittedly single, Tori and Mai both indicate that such discussions could lead to a deeper personal relationship, although Lisa stopped short of implying such commitments, implying that her interests are more firmly rooted in the notion that she is “really hot right now”, while wondering aloud if you’re interested in touching her, an offer you’d be a fool to pass on, you lonely schlub.
While the full details are unclear, it’s apparent that the girls each offer a corresponding message that whatever you’re doing now, you could be doing with an incredibly — or in Mai’s case, moderately — beautiful woman, an opportunity that a fat loser like you might never have without the assistance of cellular and/or virtual technology.

Still reeling from election blues, Hillary brings entire bag of black jellybeans to heel

Hillary Clinton has the post-election blues.
A full week after her surprising defeat in the 2016 presidential contest, some of Hillary’s closest associates have revealed that she is dealing with her feeling of rejection by engaging in an age-old tradition: stuffing her face with comfort foods.
“Most of us have it easy, actually,” admits one member of her personal staff, who opted to not be identified in this article. “She’s not really looking at any detailed returns, and she’s pretty much abandoned the newspapers she used to surround herself with each morning. Her chef? He may as well be on vacation.”
“But the gophers, they’re running. She’s got someone running out every few minutes to pick up any assortment of prepackaged goods and bagged meals.”
Among her usual requests? Bacon bits, licorice nips, and blackberry candies.
“It’s kind of sad to watch,” one assistant reports. “She just sits in an easy chair, with a handful of assorted small black snacks, and mumbles while she gnashes her teeth on various confections and processed goods. You’d think she’d get up and exercise, but she just kind of sits there and fumes away.”
“It’s a real obsession at this point,” worries the assistant. “She’s not a young woman, and many of us are concerned with her unhealthy choices right now.”
“It’s going to be very difficult to find a doctor who’ll report her being in peak physical health after this binge, but I’m sure we’ll exhaust all resources to find one for her.”
Her personal favorite?
“Definitely black jellybeans,” the assistant revealed. “She has someone run out and fetch some black jellybeans, usually two or three times a day. She tears the bag open and stares at them angrily as she rips them apart with her teeth, one by one.”
“It’s like she has a vendetta against them,” another assistant observed.

Peaceful Portland protesters huddle around iPhone for warmth

Recognizing that they were disadvantaged by the lack of fires in their orderly protesting zone, Portland demonstrator Tyler McGlumb quickly found a way to help his fellow peaceful demonstrators keep warm as protests ran late into the cool Oregon evenings.
“I had to think quick,” Tyler revealed. “I had to figure out a way to bring fire to my brothers and sisters without creating a lot of chaos or destruction.”
Tyler’s calling came to fruition when he discovered the Fireplace app for his iPhone.
“It’s great,” Tyler said, pointing to the image of a crackling fire on his iPhone screen. “That’s fire, right there. For 99 cents, I’m able to help all of these people out.”
Tyler, a science major with a focus in kinetic energy at Reed College, admits he was a little discouraged by the heat levels of the fire at first, but as more demonstrators gathered in to stare at the screen, it slowly began to warm the crowd.
“It’s a miracle, dare an atheist say a godsend?” Tyler boasted. “My battery is pretty low, but if I was able to use my iPhone to provide fire and warmth for all of these people even for just a couple of hours, that’s the best buck I ever spent.”
“And I’m not damaging the environment like those other cretins,” said Tyler, who carries numerous plastic devices with him at all times.
“It’s great, I mean, it’s a little warmer up here, next to the phone app,” reported demonstrator Sarah Hinkle, a 22-year old aspiring actress who had ridden a bus in from Iowa. However, she lamented her discomfort at being extremely close in groups of strangers larger than four.
“I’m getting a little sick of the gentleman poking me in the back of the leg with whatever. I’m just like, ‘yuck man, you’ll get your turn next to the phone whenever I am done.'”
Spying a growing crowd around a raging trash fire almost two blocks away, Tyler closed his eyes and shook his head. “Sometimes, I wonder how the primitives will ever make it in a modern world.”

Man with long medical history planning to check wild raccoon’s teeth for cavities

CLUNGE VALLEY, Virginia — Concerned with the animal’s nutritional health, Ricky Moffett — a man with a medical history that reads like the Kama Sutra of Bad Decision Making — is planning to check a local raccoon for cavities.
Moffett, who wears a corrective shoe since a disfiguring coal-walking incident in 2004, became concerned for the animal when he noticed that the raccoon was reticent to handle certain types of cans and other metals while foraging through Moffett’s garbage.
“I bet he’s got the toothache,” said Moffett, who once attempted to save a family of skunks from a culvert pipe. “I know I hate chewing on metal when I’ve got one, too. And a man and a raccoon, they’ve both got to eat.”
“Next time he comes up here to get up in my trashcan, I’m just going to snatch him up and take a look see if that little joker has any cavities. If’n he’s got the toothache, I’ll just get my pliers out and help the little feller out.”
Extractions are an easy procedure, Moffett explains.
“Done it for a adolescent bear maybe four years back. He got a little chunk of me, but I think we’re all square now.”
Moffett’s neighbors, who often refer to Moffett as That Idiot Who Messed With All Four Littleton Brothers At Once, confess they sometimes become concerned when they hear about Ricky’s shenanigans, but don’t have the heart to interfere in his life and ruin a source of regular entertainment around town.
“Ain’t much to do around here but chew dip and wait for Ricky to monkey something up,” said Clem Carter, who lives two houses away from Moffett.
“Remember when he cauterized his own anus doing that 4th of July fart lighting display?” cashier Catherine Gilman offered during chatter at the local Pic n’ Save. “Oh, lord, it was terrible, I felt just terrible for him. But it really was one heck of a show.”
At press time, Moffett, who recently suffered a concussion while doing handstands at a public urinal, was impatiently watching a can of sardines cook in the microwave.

Local man with long medical history planning to check raccoon’s teeth for cavities

Concerned with the animal’s nutritional health, Ricky Moffett — a man with a medical history that reads like the Kama Sutra of Bad Decision Making — is planning to check a local raccoon for cavities.
Moffett, who wears a corrective shoe since a disfiguring coal-walking incident in 2004, became concerned for the animal when he noticed that the raccoon was reticent to handle certain types of cans and other metals while foraging through Moffett’s garbage.
“I bet he’s got the toothache,” said Moffett, who once attempted to save a family of skunks from a culvert pipe. “I know I hate chewing on metal when I’ve got one, too. And a man and a raccoon, they’ve both got to eat.”
“Next time he comes up here to get up in my trashcan, I’m just going to snatch him up and take a look see if that little joker has any cavities. If’n he’s got the toothache, I’ll just get my pliers out and help the little feller out.”
Extractions are an easy procedure, Moffett explains.
“Done it for a adolescent bear maybe four years back. He got a little chunk of me, but I think we’re all square now.”
Moffett’s neighbors, who often refer to Moffett as That Idiot Who Messed With All Four Littleton Brothers At Once, confess they sometimes become concerned when they hear about Ricky’s shenanigans, but don’t have the heart to interfere in his life and ruin a source of regular entertainment around town.
“Ain’t much to do around here but chew dip and wait for Ricky to monkey something up,” said Clem Carter, who lives two houses away from Moffett.
“Remember when he cauterized his own anus doing that 4th of July fart lighting display?” cashier Catherine Gilman offered during chatter at the local Pic n’ Save. “Oh, lord, it was terrible, I felt just terrible for him. But it really was one heck of a show.”
At press time, Moffett, who recently suffered a concussion while doing handstands at a public urinal, was impatiently watching a can of sardines cook in the microwave.

Hillary seen cheering for Apollo Creed in fight against Ivan Drago

Relinquishing one of her first moments of private life after a lengthy public career, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton invited reporters into her Chappaqua, NY estate Monday afternoon to observe her and husband Bill in a relaxed home environment.
Putting a cassette into her VCR, Hillary sat back with her hubby and watched a prize fight between boxers Apollo Creed and Ivan Drago.
“I really hope Creed takes him out,” Hillary confessed.
“Look at that slick Russian son-of-a-bitch,” she commented as the two entered the ring. “I mean, Creed’s a little outdated, and I’m not sure there’s a lot of substance there, but I know he’s going to beat the hell out of that big, meaty Russian bastard.”
Hillary seemed to ham it up for cameras as the competitors met in the ring, showing a lighter side of herself rarely seen by the public. Reporters snapped photos of Mrs. Clinton throwing faux-punches into the air as the two began to fight.
“You’ve got this, Apollo! He’s meat! It’s all yours!” the 2016 presidential candidate chanted.
At press time, Hillary was reportedly curled up in the fetal position on her living room floor.