Gene Simmons addresses accusations: “Two? I’ve harassed thousands women, and I have photos to prove it!”


Gene Simmons, appearing on MSNBC’s Morning Joe Wednesday morning, responded to claims made by two women that he had sexually harassed them at public functions.

The women, Mary McGlynn and Tess Fowler, registered their claims via viral Twitter posts, and later published on Metal Injection.

Despite a recent altercation resulting in Gene being issued a lifetime ban from MSNBC rival, FOX, the harassment issue was front and central during Gene’s MSNBC appearance. Host Joe Scarborough opened the interview by angrily repeating the Tweets and demanding a response from the KISS frontman.

“Well, thanks for having me on the Morning Joe, and I just wanted to let you all know how much I loved Obama before I get into this entire ridiculous situation,” Gene started. “That’s .. that’s who we’re for here, right? Obama and the pantsuit lady? Those are my people. Anyway, Joe, thank you for bringing those tweets up. I think it’s no secret that I am a sexual creature, a very sexual creature, I advertise it, I promote it, I carry it with me, this very sexual, you know, thing — in fact, I’m working up some mental frustration over Mika right as we sit here — and the entire idea that only two women have come forward is honestly embarrassing to me. Joe, I can guarantee you, I have sexually harassed at least 10,000 women, and I have photographs to prove it.

“Women, they’re … they’re so stupid, they’re so petty. They know who I am and they know what I’ve done and mostly they’re not coming forward because they think it will embarrass me, personally, if people think Harvey Weinstein was sexually harassing more choice ass than Gene Simmons. Let me assure you, that is simply not true. I harassed those women, Joe. This is just like the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, people are just waiting as long as possible to give me my due. I may have to picket.”

Gene described a series of photo albums which contain thousands of photographs of him “fondling a buttock here, grabbing a tit there.”

“These women want it, they see me, they know I’ve got the money, the prestige, the power, and they want it. They know they want it just like you know they want it. Mika wants it, just look at her sitting there, pouting. Joe, when women see me, they see the God of Thunder, and they just crave some of what I have, and I’ve never been one to leave someone hungry, Joe. I don’t know what you believe in, Joe, but I’m with … you know, I’m with the black guy, whatshisname, and we don’t believe in starving people, or letting women down.”

“But let me tell you what women really want, Joe … they want the Gene Simmons Vault, my new exclusive 38 pound CD box set — yes, really, it’s 38 pounds — hand delivered to their homes, and for just $50,000 I can do it Joe, and they can bring in up to 9 of their most attractive friends and I’ll show up at their home and hand deliver a Gene Simmons Vault and a healthy helping of me, because let’s face it … what else do they want to meet me for? They want the Vault, and a big slice of Dr. Love to go with it.”

Gene’s response to the accusation sent waves through the media, which mostly met his statement positively.

A staff writer from Jezebel, a leading feminist publication, tweeted that she found Gene’s response “refreshing and honest,and its good to hear that his vote sides with women’s issues.”

Female cast members from NBC’s long-running Saturday Night Live also signed a letter of support for Simmons, similarly chiming in about Gene’s political dedication to women’s issues.

#IWantedIt trended on Twitter for much of the morning.


Horror rockers Misfits to open for Bret Michaels on winter tour

Seminal rocker Bret Michaels announced Friday via his website that popular (and recently reunited) horror outfit Misfits would be joining Michaels on his winter “Make America Rock Again” tour.
The Misfits, long popular in underground circles, gained big traction after a long-awaited reunion with original singer Glenn Danzig at 2016’s Riot Fest in Denver. Crowds have been expecting the band to tour, and it looks like their wishes will be granted to the tune of a 20-30 minute opening set on 36 dates of Bret’s arena tour.
This could be huge for the aging horror band, who never achieved any serious fame while they were active in the early 1980s. Despite having their music covered by bands like AFI, Metallica, and Guns n’ Roses,  Misfits never had a real chance to shine and their influence still fails to rival that of the infectious metal grooves that Bret and his legendary gender-bending glam band Poison achieved during the 1980s and 1990s.
Brett revealed in the press release that he had also looked into getting Jani Lane, formerly of Warrant, to open the shows with an acoustic set, only to discover that Jani has been dead for over six years.
“Who the hell knew Jani was dead? I mean, shit!” Michaels stated in his press release.
Reached by telephone, Misfits’ Jerry Only confirmed the touring arrangement, and seemed genuinely excited.
“We — that’s Glenn and the rest of us — we really wanted to bring this show to the fans, and we felt like this tour provided us with the best opportunity. We’re considered a punk band but we really crossed over, you know, our music seemed like it had a lot of pull with metal fans, too. And Bret, he’s a pretty metal guy. We thought this is it, this is what we’ve been waiting for.”
Vocalist Glenn Danzg, who went on to post-Misfits fame as frontman for his own band, Danzig, spoke more somberly. “I’m really excited, but fuck, did you hear about Jani? I mean, I’m really broken up, man. I’m going to get with Jerry and see if we can do something, maybe cover Cherry Pie on the road.”
While a full lineup has not yet been announced, Bret’s tour is expected to run through January and February and cover much of the east coast and midwestern states. The press release failed to make mention of any intention to tour the west coast or deep south.

CNN hosts to perform jet skiing stunts on new weekly program

CNN announced today that it intends to premier an hour of programming this Saturday featuring several of their hosts and contributors participating in water-skiing events and stunts.
A CNN representative posted an announcement for the “CNN on Water” program on CNN’s website earlier today. The article included an ad where several hosts, including Anderson Cooper, Van Jones, and even conservative host Jeffrey Lord, discussed why it is important that the public remembers that “behind all of this rugged news work, we’re all just regular people.” According to Lord, “It’s important sometimes for people to recognize that we’re not just robots with an agenda, we’re regular people just like them. We like, you know, water and other stuff, too.”
The network hopes that this is the kind of PR they need after viewers and online users alike gave the network some heat over doxxing a Redditor who they believe made a video depicting President Trump punching an image of the network’s logo.
The network made their exposé of the Redditor their top story on July 4.

cnn cover
CNN’s website used a story about CNN doxxing a Redditor as their top news headline on July 4 and July 5.

However, on July 5, #CNNBlackmail, a hashtag concerning CNN’s handling of the incident, shot to the top of Twitter’s “Trending” list, bypassing #ThingsISayAfterIFart.
The event, which CNN reps have insisted they hope to make into a weekly program, will feature their hosts lounging around in swimwear while they talk about unscripted issues while getting together to do “awesome water-ski stunts”. The stunts will include synchronized water skiing, pyramids, and ring jumps.
“CNN on Water” will premier Saturday, July 8, with a “blockbuster episode” where the CNN staff meets up with Henry Winkler and make a team-run at his famous Happy Days water-skiing stunt from a 1977 episode of Happy Days entitled “Hollywood Part 3”.


Brazzers hires investigators to find memers who affixed their logo to embarrassing photos

A team of investigators has been hired by Brazzers, a popular adult website, to determine and divulge which internet users have affixed their logo to a series of “tasteless and offensive” memes in hopes of dissuading internet memers from participating in such practice as well as punishing those who have previously engaged in the meme.
According to a press release issued by Krystle Cumshotz, a representative for the recognizable adult site, Brazzers crack team of public relations consultants noticed a proliferation of memes on numerous websites that included subtly suggestive images with Brazzers’ recognizable logo superimposed in the corner, as if to imply that such an image might have appeared on their site.
“This looks like a collective plot to subordinate our esteemed name and we take it quite seriously. It’s both tasteless and, at times, downright offensive,” Cumshotz wrote in the press release.
“Any watcher who has spent time on our adult-oriented family planning website knows that we have, to date, never actually used Spongebob Squarepants, Snow White, Shrek, or any other established cartoon characters in any of our informative videos. It’s a cost issue, mostly. Furthermore, regardless of prior unfulfilled contracts, we have never used any actual US presidents, past or present, in any of our poignant films. A proliferation of such material can only be an attempt to disparage our product and our good name and to steer traffic away from our site under false pretenses.”
The investigation begins on the heels of a similar private investigation in which cable news provider CNN tracked down the Redditor whom they believed to have originated a viral vine video of US President Donald Trump punching a CNN logo during a wrestling match.
“The CNN thing is a great example,” explains Terry, a woman with two penises who works in PR for Brazzers. “Memers have found ways over the years to make better and more realistic, super-realistic memes. I mean, you see this thing, and you’re like, ‘If I know anyone over at CNN, maybe I should call them and make sure they are OK, oh my god, my friends are being assaulted by the president!’ But the image sticks, that your product your entire identity could be decimated by a flurry of orange fists. And with the memers who have been engaging in this this absolute degeneracy against our business, in particular, it’s so easy. They just download two or three readily available files and they’re in the hate business, and it’s all very real.”
“These memes, they really do get at the heart of certain companies. This is detrimental to us as both a business and as a service provider. Someone looking into these types of videos needs to know that they can trust the information they’re going to receive before they receive it, and aren’t going to be watching reruns of Uncle Jessie on Full House or a documentary on flocking,” Terry asserted.
Ron Carroll, a member of the investigative team scouring the internet for clues as to the identities of the memers, recognizes that it might be a large task.
“There appear to be thousands of these things, and while we certainly could put a lot of resources in, I’m not sure that it’s going to be necessary to track down every single one,” Carroll said. “But we can pretty easily find out who are some of our major offenders and make really good examples of them, so that they know that folks on this end are more than willing to strong-arm anyone who badmouths or discredits this quality product.”

PR rep Krystle Cumshotz explains that while Brazzers would love to post Disney gloryhole videos online, it’s never actually happened. “It’s a cost issue, mostly.”


ISIS Claims Responsibility For Griffin’s Joke That Bombed

As of 5:08pm eastern on May 31, a spokesman for ISIS has confirmed that the group is claiming responsibility for Kathy Griffin’s controversial photograph depicting the comedienne holding a severed and bloody head that bore resemblance to President Donald Trump.

Abdul Ayawi-Didit, an ISIS spokesman who runs a confectionery in Paris, confirmed in a press release that the group was “more than proud to be involved in a Hollywood bomb of these proportions”.

Ayawi-Didit stated in the release that ISIS would love to have their name associated with “any such public bomb which negatively impacts the Hollywood infidels and promotes death to the leader of the western world, we would be proud to be associated with, and we recognize the fingerprints of our influence.”

The grotesque photograph has become a PR nightmare for Griffin, who was terminated from her job on cable news stalwart CNN.

“Now that ISIS has claimed responsibilty, I’m sunk,” Griffin proclaimed. “Where does a career go from here? Who would hire me? MSNBC?”

Trump offers Joey Lawrence position as White House Tanning Director

The Trump transition team announced today that it had extended an offer to actor Joey Lawrence to serve as White House Tanning Director.
Lawrence, 40, is a well-known character actor who has displayed his diversity for such television roles as Joey on Gimme a Break, Joey on Blossom, Joe on Brotherly Love, and Joe on Melissa & Joey. He has also released a handful of albums and compact discs.
Sources close to Trump say that he hand-picked Lawrence for the position, quoting the president-elect as saying that Lawrence “always manages to reach peak glowing tans and oranges, he’s an absolute marvel.”
In an interview on ABC News, Presidential Counselor Kellyanne Conway said that the president-elect is “hopeful that Joey will take the position, (he’s) really looking forward to getting right to work with him on tans, the deficit, whatever comes up.”
“At times, the president-elect is a little self conscious when he comes under fire for his tan, which is usually impeccable. He’s ready to enlist some outside help,” Conway confided.
In the meantime, Lawrence is reportedly weighing his options. His last steady series, Melissa & Joey was cancelled from the ABC Family lineup in 2015, and he has recently been seen hanging around the set of Sy-Fy originals and Hallmark Christmas films as well as challenging himself in the stark, gritty role of David in  Arlo the Burping Pig.
“It’s a lot to wrap my head around,” said Lawrence. “I’ve been in the entertainment industry since I was 5 years old. It would obviously be a great honor to take my talents to Washington, but the job’s not as great a payer as, say, a regular series on Fox, which I’ve been kind of holding out for. I’ve got to weigh my earnings potential as a thespian versus this, you know, White House thingy.”
Lawrence is expected to take the position.

Fake news writer could win coveted fake news award

According to an email received to his account, Trigger Alert editor and principle fake news writer D.R. Everend could win a fake writing award for his work on the fake news site.
According to the email, a representative named Jill from a shadily-sourced sweepstakes house has noticed that Trigger Alert’s stats are “through the roof”, and informed Everend that by submitting writings from the site and a $30 processing fee, he and his Trigger Alert fake news site could be in the running for her unheard-of company’s previously non-existent “coveted” writing award.
“I’m a little leery of anything either Jill or I has to say or offer,” said Everend in a statement about two seconds ago, depending on your reading aptitude.
Sources close to Trigger Alert could not confirm that any stats were “through the roof” noting that most times people likely just “like the headline” while browsing without actually reading the articles.
“I guess it’s a pretty great honor, to be included in this bulk business email.” Everend stated.
“With this award, I would have already earned the most dubious distinction if I were to actually Paypal them the processing fee,” Everend believes, according to a Trigger Alert article.
“While I prefer the term exaggerated news journalist, any fake honors that this fake news site could ever earn would be due to the headline writer, since that’s mostly what people read.”
“That’s mostly just me, too. But that’s stoned me. This is somewhat sober me, doing all the legwork that never gets recognized,” Everend explains.

Trigger Alert’s D.R. Everend shows off some of his finest work.


Key porn companies race to get Fidel Castro memorial porn to free market

Looking to cash-in on current events, representatives from several “major” adult film companies are racing to get a Fidel Castro porn film to market. Castro, the Cuban dictator who ceded power in 2006 and passed away last week, is slated to be the subject of numerous porn biopics.
Steven Hirsch of Vivid Video confirmed that his company is working on multiple Castro films.
“We’re going all out,” reports Hirsch. “We’re bringing in Angelina Valentine and Lela Star and a few others stars to work on multiple scripts dealing with different periods of Castro’s life. Cuban Prison Heat is kind of a prequel to the prequel to Guantanamo Gays, and it will deal with Castro’s years in prison before he led the coup, while Fidel’s Horny Ass Sluts will deal with the period in the late 1980s and early 1990s when Castro had to contend with losing Russian support”.
Patrick Collins of Elegant Angel confirmed that his company plans to include Castro as a character in some major motion picture spinoffs.
Captain Cuba: Uncivil Whore and Mad Fidel: Fury Hole are both go projects. We’re even going to give a Castro character a cameo in Kung Poo Panda 4.”
“The Panda cameo is a bit of a stretch, but we have to strike while the iron’s hot, even if it means we have to go out on a limb and  do something silly in just this one case.”
Asked who he had penciled in to appear as the deposed dictator onscreen, Collins confirmed that he had numerous stars lined up. “We’ve got Peter North with a glued-on beard, Mandingo with a glued-on beard, Rob Rotten with a glued-on beard, we have a few others working for the cameras as we speak. Time is of the essence, so we even brought in some of the top stunt cocks with glued-on beards available.”
“Unfortunately, due to financial constraints, the stunt-cocks will be wearing glued-on felt beards, as opposed to the really nice carpet ones our stars will be wearing.”
Mike from Mike’s Apartment is more concerned with historical accuracy than star quality.
“I’m thinking so long as I hire some of those chicks from 8th Street Latinas, have some communist propaganda hanging over the bed, and fuck a lot of people while I wear a glued-on beard, that’s something the Cuban and other Latin audiences will appreciate because of the honesty and accuracy.”
“You have to identify your audience and give them what they want,” Mike said. “Everyone else is going to be days in production. Me? I’m going to have 8 videos up by Thursday. Maybe ten if I can find some fresh oysters.”
“Putting anything with Fidel’s image on the free market is really sticking it to him,” Hirsch said. “Not quite like he gets stuck in that Guantanamo Gays prequel, but it’s still, you know … sticking it to him.”

In Memoriam: Baseball legend and anti-gun advocate Florence Henderson, 82

Florence Henderson, best known to the world as part of the famous Brady family, has passed away. She was 82.
As a part of the Brady family, she was part of a team that helped introduce the Brady Handgun Violence Prevention Act, commonly known as the Brady Bill, which passed into law in 1993.
In addition to her Brady notoriety, Henderson was also a five-tool baseball talent considered by many to be one of the greatest players of all time. Henderson is known for stealing a single-season record 130 bases for the Oakland A’s in 1982, and established a career major league record with 1406 career thefts. Henderson’s 2295 runs scored also established a major league record, besting Ty Cobb’s mark of 2244, and Henderson even held the career record for most bases on balls drawn with 2190 before Barry Bonds bested the mark. Bonds went on to draw over 2500 career free passes.
Mourners are expected to hold vigils at both the United States Capitol Building in Washington as well as the Baseball Hall of Fame Museum in Cooperstown, New York.

Henderson poses with several members of the Brady family and Dodgers legend Don Newcombe before an exhibition game. Henderson collected 3 singles, 2 steals, and 2 runs scored in the game.

Cookie Monster has Twitter meltdown over US election results

Just one day after endorsing Hillary Clinton in a last minute push to get the former Secretary of State elected, popular pastry-loving character Cookie Monster took to Twitter in an angry rampage, insulting American voters who selected Republican President Elect Donald Trump over Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.
Cookie Monster, the children’s entertainer who has recently been asked to apologize for previous Twitter rants, began tweeting at 12:45pm eastern, and by 1:20 declared he was “breaking into bourbon balls”. From there, his tweets degenerated into angry, hate-fueled rhetoric.
It remains to be seen how the Children’s Television Workshop or HBO will handle this latest Twitter meltdown. CTW has employed Cookie Monster since 1969, comprising 47 years of his 50 year career in American media. HBO recently assumed the rights to Sesame Street, the educational program with which Cookie Monster has long been associated.